CABINET FILES: Still digesting deliberations, Cdes


President Robert Mugabe

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

I know most of you were expecting me to address you on the developments taking place in the party, most of which are just minor issues that our detractors are doing their best to blow out of proportion.
After our important meeting last week, I am still ruminating over what we discussed and  other developments that have taken place ever since, and I should be able to adequately address you on this one, once and for all.
One thing I should assure you is that there is no crisis whatsoever in our great revolutionary party. If anything, we are more united than we have ever been before and this gives us impetus to approach the 2018 elections with much confidence.
Talking of our preparations for the 2018 elections that we will be winning by our traditional landslide, I am happy with the brilliant idea that Cde Jonah came up with… this STEM project that is certainly going to give us a real big harvest of young votes… you see, this is a very easy way of securing votes. When we pay school fees for say 100 000 students, what it means is that these students and their parents and other relatives would want the party to continue in power.
I was also impressed with Cde Jonah’s idea that we reduce the passing threshold for Ordinary Level for that those borderline students that scrape through with an E are considered to have passed… and that our markers be very generous so that there are too many students who pass with flying colours like we had this year. This was further complemented by Cde Lazarus’ taking heed of the sound advise that he bans the top 100 schools lists, so that there is no needless animosity among students and parents.
Now we should open more and more universities to take up those students so that they can have all the degrees they want.
All these measures would go a long way in contributing towards the creation of a nation with so many happy people, people who have no reason to dislike us. In hindsight, I realise that our decision to localise examinations was God-inspired… otherwise how were we going to twinkle with the results if the examinations were still being marked by those imperialists in London?
I can tell you these ideas from Cde Jonah will in the medium term give us a real bounteous harvest of rewards.
Well, let me get busy on the task at hand.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely
Good. Very Good!
When Dr CZ made the watershed decision to dismiss himself from the ruling ZANU-PF party in June 1982, he had seen that the party was fast descending into a cult of some sort.
If what is now happening in that party is anything to go by, then Dr CZ has every reason to feel vindicated.
Dr CZ’s personal opinion is that what is now happening in that party was long overdue. The party just has to go the natural way that all organisations that neglect themselves as to allow themselves to outlive their usefulness go… demise.
This is the law of nature and no matter how the party once appeared formidable, time would come when all this will come to pass… and from the look of things, that time might not be way off… the time when that Shake-Shake Building along Rotten Row would be packed with tailors, printers and some such small entrepreneurs who look for cheap small places in some crowded decrepit buildings to run their semi-legal businesses.
Ban, ban, just ban!
It looks like it is becoming increasingly fashionable for anyone who finds themselves in a situation that they cannot comprehend to attempt to solve that mystery by imposing a ban on that particular thing.
Last week, the ZANU-PF Politburo met in Harare and agreed to ban its members from using the social media.
The reason the party gave was that the social media can destabilise the party and country… we all wonder how a stable party or country, can be destabilised by the social media, unless stability is already in short supply in that particular locality.
We remember very well the public media going about town excoriating opposition Movement for Democratic Change leader, Morgan Tsvangirai, when he tried to do the same thing last year.
However, what is surprising is the cemetery silence the same public media appeared to have agreed with the latest ban in town.
It is yet to be seen how the party and the police are going to be enforcing this ban.
But as far as Dr CZ knows it, this ban is impossible to enforce… it is like a genie of freedom, once it is out of the bottle, you cannot get it back!
Untiring as he ever is, Dr CZ will not relent in his search for Cde Khaya-Moyo’s Twitter handle, Cde Saviour Kasukuwere’s (pictured) Facebook account and Cde Ignatius Chombo’s Skype account details.
Meanwhile, while others are seized with what Mbuya Nehanda, Sekuru Kaguvi, Chaminuka, King Mzilikazi, King Lobengula and others did or did not do, Dr CZ is busy reading Michael Richards’ latest book: “SOCIAL MEDIA: Dominating Strategies For Social Media Marketing With Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn and Instagram.”
It looks like there would be too many Rip van Winkles in the hereabouts who would continue to insist on turning the clock back to the time they were once relevant.
Sadly, such is life!
The executive of the Zimbabwe Union of Journalist (ZUJ) has once again curiously started threatening to dish out residential stands to members of the burial society. Those that have been privileged enough to be Zimbabweans should be laughing, their lungs out because this is a tired trick that has been used by so many politicians to make themselves appear indispensible around election time. This ZUJ threat should be viewed in the context of elections that are due towards the end of this year… just as “Democratic” Republic of Congo’s President Joseph Kabila’s generous gift of a fleet of brand new Toyota Prados to that country’s national soccer team players that won the African Nations Championships (CHAN) soccer tournament recently, concluded in Rwanda, should be viewed in the context of that country’s election due later this year.
If there is one foolish journalist who is so desperate as to be that gullible enough as swallow this bait, they should only have their grandmother to blame.
The current ZUJ secretary general, Cde Foster Dongozi, has been in that cosy position for the past decade-plus. What does he have to show for his extended period in power (not in office!)? Well, when it comes to graveyard speeches, solidarity messages, congratulatory messages for new ministers and incomprehensible self-serving statements, meaningless alerts ZUJ takes the cake. Beyond this, the union only exists on paper.
Well, as per the spirit of trademark magnanimity, in the likely event that Cde Dongozi & Co want to continue, Dr CZ is availing his services to dutifully campaign for them.
Celebration time
Last Sunday, the world put aside its irreconcilable differences to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Many indeed celebrated their tails off. A CZ fan shared this one on the social media: “To all my committed friends happy Valentine’s Day. To all single ones, happy Independence Day. To all who were once in love, happy Heroes Day. To those who are fighting in their relationships, happy Boxing Day. To those who are trying to make things work, happy Workers’ Day. Finally, to those who are expecting surprise gifts like me, happy Fools’ Day!”
Again, please note this did not come from Yours Truly, Dr CZ.