CABINET FILES: I am back and raring to go, Cdes



mugabe nicest

President Robert Mugabe

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, I know that most of you had a real torrid time trying to convince many people within your social circles who continue to fall victim to the annual prank that I am either dead or on the deathbed around this time of the year.
I am happy that most of you are now experienced at handling this rumour that is naturally planted by our western detractors to cause needless alarm and despondency among our people.
According to the West and the media that it sponsors, I die everytime I go on my annual vacation. It is so surprising that this sorry apology of a media has not gotten itself tired of regurgitating the same rubbish year in, year out for the past decade or so.
Like I said before, if it is true that I have died several times before, therefore I am a super-Jesus, because the only person who has died and continued to live is Jesus. In my case — if there is any fool who is so stupid as to believe their reports — I have died every December and resurrected every January.
These people are so desperate to see my grave in their mistaken belief that they would get an opportunity to re-colonise our country. What they do not know is that over the years, I have been able to groom most of you my Cdes to become principled leaders. So nothing will ever change in the way we do things. Don’t they say a revolutionary never dies?
What I can assure all of you Cdes is that I am raring to go.
All I am seized with is making sure that our people are not short-changed when it comes to those things we promised them.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely


Reports reaching Dr CZ are to the effect that investigations into the issue of the live bullet found in Minister of Sport and Recreation, Cde Makhosini Hlongwane’s room are sadly pointing to him as the main suspect. The reports are cruelly suggesting that the crack team  tasked with tracing the culprit who could have planted the bullet in the tightly-secured hotel room was thoroughly disappointed after demanding to view the recordings of a Closed Circuit Television (CCTV) at the 17th floor of this particular hotel (kumafuramhepo!) where the Minister is currently holed up while logistics about his official residence are being sorted out.
These uncharitable reports are suggesting that the CCTV footage showed that only the Minister himself and the hotel cleaner had entered the room. These reports have resulted in some unpatriotic Zimbos abusing the now ubiquitous social media to spread highly malicious and tendentious allegations about some hopeless politicians employing tired tricks to shop for sympathy. These are very serious allegations that Dr CZ — who cannot afford the top-dollar service fees of the most popular law firm in Zimbabwe would not want even to be remotely associated with. So please, let no one ever quote Dr CZ on this one.
Instead, those who are so fond of quoting can quote Dr CZ on what is about to be revealed below.
Being a war veteran that Dr CZ is (okay let’s correctly say that he wishes he was because of the mouth-watering benefits and unbridled power that the chaps enjoy), Yours Truly can tell you that during the war of liberation, it was not uncommon for people who wanted to appear important to stage incidents that would make them appear to be high-drawer targets of the Rhodesian security forces. This is the trick that many who could not make their names on the war front decided to employ in order to importantise themselves. As a result, even some piddlings — but wily-nobodies ended up being guarded 24/7, and it brought a bounteous harvest of benefits and power that some of them enjoy right to this day.
During the same war, we — then freedom fighters — would warn  sell-outs of their impending death by placing a live bullet, but usually a dead cat, dog or any other animal or bird on their doorstep with its head missing and if the impending victim decided to be foolhardy enough as to mistake this ominous warning for an addled threat, more often than not, there would be a funeral in that village in no time.
Let Dr CZ simply say that was then.
Anyway, several other crack teams are busy in town, so let no one try to be mischievous as to pre-empt their findings.
Now that the euphoria around the Warriors’ presence at the African Nations Championships soccer tournament in Rwanda has thankfully ended, Zimbabweans can now focus on more life enhancing issues on the ground … the drought that is threatening to wipe out a third of the country’s population; the comatose economy that has seen civil servants being paid on an irregular basis, while our diplomats are threatened with eviction wherever they are around the world (phones reportedly cut at the embassy in New York/Washington over unpaid bills); obnoxious laws that threaten to make this country worse than Rhodesia; the gaping potholes on the country’s roads that need urgent filling; the foolishness that has been allowed to flourish unabated, just to mention but a few. This is certainly not the best time for us to be seen playing.
There is always next time… we should be happy to play football after some of these issues have been attended to.
Still on the thankfully disappointing Warriors, there are some Zimbos who sympathise with the national team’s coach, Cde Callisto Pasuwa, for losing his opening match to Zambia.
The logic is like this. For some mysterious reasons, this country — which used to be the breadbasket of Africa — is now being primarily fed by Zambia. Suppose Cde Pasuwa had been ungrateful so as to embarrass our northern neighbours, how were we going to look at them on our next trip to Lusaka to beg for more maize?
They argue that Cde Pasuwa’s decision to lose the match was made for broader national strategic interests. How would we have celebrated had Zimbabwe won that tournament with no maize meal in our homes? So these people argue.
This seems to make a lot of sense to Dr CZ, which is the reason why Cde Pasuwa should still get his US$7 000 monthly salary that he is demanding and that US$70 000 official car… plus possibly other patriotic featherbeddings like two fully-operational farms as well as having space reserved for him at the iconic hill!
Meanwhile, patriotic as he has always been, Dr CZ is seriously thinking about taking up national team coaching for a career.
Meanwhile, Dr CZ has it on very good authority that his colleagues who are senior researchers at Harvard and Oxford universities have just concluded a 25-year study which has come to the following conclusion: “The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly (by at least 94,8 percent) when women stop asking questions!”
Please don’t ask Dr CZ any questions pertaining to these findings because he was thankfully not part of the research. Thank you!

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