CABINET FILES: No crisis in Burundi, Cdes


Pierre Nkurunzinza

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, I am fully aware that there are some of you who could be wondering why I am silent when the whole world is focusing its attention on the situation in Burundi.
I also know that my detractors have been suggesting that my silence has much to do with the fact that I sympathise with that country’s leader, whose people overwhelmingly allowed him to lead them ad infinitum. The truth of the matter is that just like any other leader, I am equally seized with that situation. However, my being seized with the Burundian matter is from another perspective… we should never, ever allow the West to overrule the popular will of the people.
If anything, the truth of the matter is that the West is interfering with that country’s internal affairs. Who are they to tell the Burundians who should lead them?
Look at what is happening in Tanzania right now… after the country changed leadership for the sake of pleasing the West? The government of Brother  only used minimal force to deal with a Western-sponsored insurgency, and it became a “crisis”… the prophets of doom started screaming that another Rwanda-style genocide was in the making, yet this is just a leader who is trying his best to bring law and order to a country he has full mandate to lead.
There is no crisis in Burundi, which is why I saw no valid reason to lose sleep over it.
I have faith and confidence in Brother Museveni’s ability to solve this little problem in his backyard.
There are worse crises in the United States, Britain, France and some such western countries than this minor incident in Burundi.
Once we allow ourselves to be abused in Burundi, the same West will in the future try it again in the Democratic Republic of Congo, Rwanda, South Africa and other countries where the people are begging their popular leaders to go on and on and on and on leading them. In the end, Africa would be led by misleaders who are puppets of the West, just like what is happening in Ivory Coast, Tanzania, Namibia and other countries.
Meanwhile, I hope Cde Pats is doing his job of making sure that everyone gets paid their salaries and bonuses because I do not want to be bothered with some carry-over issues from last year into the New Year.
Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely


Dr CZ now believes those sages who say a child who does not visit other households always thinks its mother is the best cook.
After our Finance Minister Patrick Chinamasa took several hours to deliver his much-taunted US$4 billion budget, which he has no clue how he will be funding it, Dr CZ thought Chinamasa was the best Finance Minister in the world… until he came across some media reports to the effect that Angola has unveiled a US$46 billion budget, which it is able to fund entirely from its own sources. Before Dr CZ had recovered from the shock, news reached him that Japan’s parliament had approved its 2016 budget of US$799 billion!
Sometimes things start to confuse … it’s like telling a kindergarten child something about a PhD degree. And when the comity of nations meets at the United Nations, there are forceful voices stridently suggesting that all members should be treated equally. One can only wonder what Japan’s “measly” contribution to the UN could be like compared to ours.
Surely, some animals are more equal than others!
His celebrated patriotism notwithstanding, Dr CZ is sometimes tempted to feel so ashamed to be a Zimbabwean!
Dr CZ is reliably informed that towards the end of last year, there were some media awards that were hurriedly arranged to honour journalists who had gone the proverbial extra mile in reporting on issues to do with energy.
One of the international donor organisations that offered to sponsor the awards naturally attached conditions… one of which was that their prizes would be given only to female journalists whether or not they have written anything on the subject, even if they have not nominated themselves! One was left wondering what criteria was used to pick the so-called winners.
We are made to understand that the donor’s wish was duly granted and the prizes were given to the female journalists who did not have the faintest of ideas on what they were being rewarded for.

john n Patrick

Finance Minister Patrick Chinamasa and RBZ governor John Mangudya

These were not awards by any stretch of imagination, but a naked conspiracy to promote mediocrity. Surely suppose the “winning” sisters are married, their spouses have every reason to wonder against wonder.
If someone wanted to give a Christmas gift to a female journalist, they should just have scanned newspapers for female journalists and then employ the tried and trusted “my mother asked me to choose this one” formula to pick the lucky name.
Dr CZ is one chap who sincerely believes that all human beings are equal, whether they are white, brown or black and whether they are male or female, so he greatly feels offended when some people go to town about this and that person being the first black doctor, first female editor, or the first black president.
It becomes something else altogether if one becomes the first black female something!
By celebrating such “achievements” we are only reinforcing the stereotypical nonsense that whites are naturally superior to blacks or that men are miles better than women, which are all nothing but big and fat lies. All people are equal before God.
While affirmative action sho-uld be encouraged in areas where competent candidates exist, but have previously been excluded through nakedly discriminatory policies or laws, this should not be abused to promote mediocrity.
Only the best should be recognised. If you are not half good enough, you are exactly that and your race and or gender has nothing to do with it because laziness has nothing to do with race or gender.
The onus still remains with you to upgrade yourself. Only the lazy and the stranded try to needlessly raise the race or gender card.
This one came from one of Dr CZ’s usual misogynist fans. She says after listening to women’s bitter complains about their having little say in choosing their spouses, one woman activist managed to sweet-talk God and the gods into granting women the right to shop for their own choice of husbands. God and the gods duly granted the request. So shopping vouchers were printed and every woman was allowed to pick vouchers not worth more than US$5.
The vouchers were printed in these following 10 denominations that define men in totality: Good looking US$3; Funny US$1; Smart US$1; Great in bed US$2; Faithful US$3; Wealthy US$3; No relatives US$1; Tall US$1; Great leader US$2; Romantic US$2.
So the women had to pick the US$5 worth of vouchers so that they could start shopping around.
Well, Dr CZ is relieved he is thankfully not one of those who would have to pick the vouchers because making that decision could last until menopause!

ZESA HQuarters

ZESA Holdings wishes to advise its valued clients that its full staff compliment is back in office therefore normal load shedding resumes with immediate effect

Zimbabweans were sho-cked that there were no power outages throughout the festive season and they have been praying that the situation remains like that for the foreseeable future.
Sadly, Dr CZ received this notice from one of his many fans: ZESA Holdings wishes to advise its valued clients that its full staff compliment is back in office therefore normal load shedding resumes with immediate effect!

Follow us on Twitter on @FingazLive and on Facebook – The Financial Gazette