CABINET FILES: Taking another well-deserved break, Cdes?

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, since our party’s restructuring exercise is going smoothly in all the provinces, naturally helped by the star rallies that Dr Amai is conducting, I don’t think any one of you can begrudge me for deciding to take another well-deserved break.
At least this should give you time to attend all the rallies that Dr Amai is holding with undivided attention.
I should be back with my weekly addresses in a week or two depending on what the mood on the ground would be like.
Enjoy the rallies, Cdes.
Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely


Dr CZ is very, very proud to be a Zimbabwean. This week our wicked detractors had their long noses out of joint as the global media focused its coveted spotlight on the country once again.
This time it was the fulsome coverage of the fourth edition of our prestigious Mr Ugly pageant which was contestably won by one Mison Sere, whom the court of public opinion insist is way too handsome for the award. And naturally the pageant’s three-time winner, William Masvinu, was not impressed. He accused the judges of rigging him out of the coveted title that he has sworn in the past that he would retain it for life as he is convinced that no other Zimbo is even half as ugly as he is.


Mison Sere, (right) smiles after winning the 2015 edition of the Mr Ugly competition, in Harare, On the left is the pageant’s three-time winner and outgoing ‘champion’ William Masvinu.  AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi

What makes the results of the contest curiously curious is that this year’s “winner” was placed a distant fourth to Masvinu in last year’s contest, so what has since changed between last year and this year serve for possibly the fact that Sere has lost a tooth or two more, because it would be stretching the imagination to dangerous levels to suggest that Masvinu’s ugliness has diminished over the past 12 months: Which makes Masvinu’s argument that the results were predetermined and he was “Nikuved” out of his birthright hold quite a lot of water.
With so many lawyers in this country, Dr CZ cannot rule out the possibility of an urgent chamber application being filed in the High Court seeking that the rigged results of the contest be set aside. Well, since this was a contest, we cannot be very sure if the ordinary High Court is the most suitable bench to hear Masvinu’s plea… maybe the Electoral Court would be more appropriate.

“…Plaintiff feels that his right to a free and fair contest as well as the right to the recognition of his God-given gift as the most ugliest citizen of this country were severely violated when the contest’s judges misdirected themselves into factoring some artificial features such as missing teeth as what contributes toward the overall ugliness of a contestant. We pray that in view of the above mentioned violations of plaintiff’s God-given rights, the only just remedy is for this honourable court to set aside the results and declare him as having duly won the Mr Ugly pageant 2015.
“In the unlikely event that there is dispute over this, then this court should summon all the contestants who took part in the pageant to appear before a panel of judges of this court so that they can see for themselves that a gross injustice was indeed committed…. blah, blah,” the court papers should read.
In the event that the lower court does not agree with Masvinu, he reserves his right to approach the Supreme Court, and in the unlikely event that he does not get any joy, he can make his case a Constitutional Court case, since his fundamental rights are at stake here!
I think Zimbos should now understand why Dr CZ would never, ever contemplate leaving this country. Zimbabwe is a real country and a half… if one can miss such events in his life, what would they be living for?
More injustices

US President Obama Visits Berlin

US President Barack Obama

Still on gross injustices, if a self-styled philanthropist invites several hundreds of people for lunch at a hotel and does not pay the bill, should he be arraigned before the courts as we see happening to “Dr” Enrico Sibanda, the founder of the Philanthropy Institute of Zimbabwe (PIZ)? Isn’t it an injustice on its own?
What is very clear here is that those who got owed by “Dr” Sibanda through his philanthropic work should understand that all the man has to his name are quick doctorate degrees, so what they were supposed to do was submit the list of their correctly spelt names so that they could benefit from a barter deal that would see them joining the queue in the next round of doctorate degree awards. As simple as that; and those bills would have settled themselves!
Dr CZ notes with usual sadness that the International Conference on Aids and STIs in Africa (ICASA) conference has become another charity case… if the organisers of the event knew how the conference was being funded, the honourable thing for them to do was to take it to another country that has the capacity to host it. Just like what happens in the run up to events of some political parties, the ICASA event is now being used to extort money from individuals and businesses that are already tottering on the edge of complete collapse. Dr CZ thinks that this is abuse of charity… most of that money should be going to real charity cases. Who does not know that those so-called “donations” are nowhere near the real definition of the word?
Still on extortion, Dr CZ is happy that recently a chap that masqueraded as a journalist in order to extort money from his victims was thankfully arrested and tried for his mischief in Gweru.
One of his victims was Sister Concilia Jangara, the headmistress of Regina Mundi Girls High School in Gweru.
The Roman Catholic nun was made to cough up about US$1 200 after being told that the “journalist” had some hot photos of her that were going to be splashed in the Bulawayo-based tabloid B-Metro.
That the nun is clean is not in doubt, but we cannot help but wonder why the good sister of the cloth could believe this chap. No one is suggesting that the good sister has any skeletons in her closet. In a normal situation, the sister could simply have dared her blackmailer to go ahead and publish the  pictures knowing full well that there was nothing for him to publish. Anyway, like we are saying “in a normal situation”, sadly ours has long since ceased to be a normal situation.
All we can do is just wonder  against all wonder in the whole wide world.
Those misogynists are at it again.
This week one of them sent this one, which made Dr CZ so, so furious!
Subject: The wife, about wife
“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her,” Lee Majors.
“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together,” Al Gore.
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher,” Socrates.


Mike Tyson.

“Women inspire us to great things and prevent us from achieving them,” Mike Tyson.
“The great question… which I have not been able to answer is: ‘What does a woman want?’,” George Clooney.
“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me,” Bill Clinton.
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays,” George W. Bush.
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years,” Rudy Giuliani.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage,” Michael Jordan.
“I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. The third gave me more children!” Donald Trump.
“Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up,” Shaquille O’Neal
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once,” Kobe Bryant.
“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to,” David Hasselhoff
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met,” Alec Baldwin.
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong,” Barack Obama.
“Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy,” Tommy Lee.
“A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a 100 letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine!’,” Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy:“You’re lucky, mine’s still alive,’ Jimmy Kimmel.
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies: “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first,” David Letterman.
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring…soon after… comes suffering!” Jay Leno.
“The reason why wives live longer is because they don’t have a wife,” Brandon Breezy.

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